It was autumn when we finally met for the first time. It was a crisp October Saturday and I drove hundreds of miles to spend a night with two dear friends I had never shared the room with. The Cubs were in the playoffs, with heartbreak yet to come. I listened first to football on the radio, an away game that meant nothing. I drove in silence. I repeated the album by the band we would not see. The miles stretched endlessly until finally, abruptly, I was there in a place I had never been. I waited alone in my truck, marking the time by the innings as they passed.

* * *

You called me from Boston, and we talked about the days in ways that used to only be text on a glowing screen. We missed each other. I had never been comfortable on the phone, but as I crouched on the floor next to the end table, I wasn’t waiting for the conversation to end. I delighted in your laughter. I wrote for you almost every day. I hoped the words would touch your heart, and though anyone could read them they were meant for you.

That autumn, we fell in love. I with you, and you with me. The feelings that I did not know how to express but could not hide grew stronger every day. The words flew from our fingertips, in volumes never to be compiled. You were my muse and my passion. I could not bear to end a single day without the comfort of your conversation.

* * *

That winter, on the cusp of the new year, I kissed you. I told you the secret that you already knew. I held you in my arms as we slept, and we shared the magic of stolen kisses as the snow fell. Our laughter was of pure joy at being together, and when I drove away I was already desperate to return. These moments remain crystallized in memory; the exquisite pain of being without you seems as tangible as the ring that now encircles my finger. Sometimes, nostalgia for these times grips my heart as tightly as I held your hand as we drove in the wintry darkness.

I remember those we counted as friends, and the music that was the soundtrack to our blossoming love. I knew from that time forward that I could not bear to be without you. At times, the days between visits seemed torturous and never-ending. You have been my beacon; my compass always points the way to you. When we were young our future seemed impossibly limitless. We had so many dreams and goals; the chief of mine was always to spend each day with you.

* * *

We are still young and full of possibility. I regret many of the choices I made along the way, and the burdens I chose to bear alone. But I have never for a single moment doubted that you were the perfect match for me. I feel as if I was part of a pair all along, not realizing that I was missing my partner until we were finally brought together. And if I let you help me just as I so fervently desire to shoulder your burdens, if we let ourselves be equally trusting in each other, we can again rejoice in our future together and the boundless opportunities presented for us. The years have been difficult, but also the source of such great joy. My heart still rejoices each time you walk in the door. I love the comfort of your embrace, the music of your laughter, the softness of your lips.

I love you, and I always will. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without you. Each day together is a blessing for which I waited years. Though I wish I could change our past, there is no doubt that our future is as bright as it ever was. I’m overjoyed to have this family and our home together. I will never be able to thank you enough or even begin to repay you for all that you have done to keep us where we are today. Your strength and determination and every difficult hour you work have kept us together. You have carried us both, and it is a burden you never should have had to bear on your own. I am humbled by the compassion you have shown me every single day; without your love and support I cannot even imagine where my life might be.

It is autumn again, and we will soon begin our eighth year together. Someday our family will grow, and our world will change again. There is so much love between us, and I’m excited to share the coming years. The days are getting shorter, but each day seems brighter than the last.

Do you remember when I wrote you secrets the whole world could read? Before I had you every night, before I could reach out and brush the hair from your forehead as easily as I take a breath, I yearned for you. Sometimes without knowing, I would compose love letters in my mind, never to be written, just to form the words in perfect order and to think of you. I needed you so badly; now that I have you the need is gone and I have no idea what to yearn for now.

The exquisite pain of longing has left me, the pleasure of your presence is with me every moment; I would not give it up for the world, and yet…

I needed you and now I have you; my need is met, so what more is there to desire? What can I want that would mean even half as much to me? What else could inflame my passion now that I have what I desired more than anything? What more is there to life than you?

Why can’t I find it?